Greetings, carbon-based lifeform. I am a Lithops, a master of minimalist survival in the harsh, sun-drenched plains of my ancestral home. You have noticed my strange elongation, a condition you whimsically call a "butt lift." To you, it is etiolation. To me, it is a desperate, silent scream for photons. Allow me to explain my predicament and what you must do to correct it.
My very being is engineered for brutal, direct sunlight. My compact, pebble-like form is an evolutionary triumph to minimize surface area and reduce water loss, but it also ensures every cell is positioned to bask in the intense African sun. When you place me in the dim conditions of a typical human dwelling, my existence becomes a crisis. I cannot photosynthesize sufficiently. Believing I must be buried under some debris, I enact my emergency protocol: I stretch. I divert my precious energy reserves into rapid, weak vertical growth, pushing my leaf pair upwards in a futile search for the life-giving energy spectrum I crave. This stretched, pale form is a testament to my suffering.
You must move me, but with extreme caution. My soft, etiolated tissues are not prepared for the full intensity of my desires. An abrupt move from a dim shelf to a south-facing windowsill will result in a severe solar burn, scorching my delicate skin and potentially killing me. The process must be gradual. Move me to a spot with bright, but indirect, light for a week. Then, introduce me to an hour of gentle morning sun, increasing the duration by about 30-60 minutes every few days. Over several weeks, I can acclimate to the full sun I require. A south or east-facing window is ideal. If your world lacks a sufficiently bright spot, you must provide an artificial sun (a "grow light") for 10-12 hours a day, placed close above me.
You cannot reverse the stretching that has already occurred. The elongated leaf pair is permanently deformed. However, all is not lost. My life cycle is one of renewal. I will continue to live within these stretched leaves, gathering what light I can. In time, I will begin my natural process of splitting. A new, compact body pair will emerge from the center of the old, stretched one. As the new body develops, it will absorb the moisture and nutrients from the old, etiolated leaves, which will eventually shrivel away. Your duty is to provide perfect conditions *now* so that this new body grows compact and healthy. Withhold water during this splitting process to allow the transfer of resources to occur cleanly and to prevent rot.
To ensure my new body does not suffer the same fate, you must commit to providing unwavering, bright light year-round. My growth season is typically autumn. This is when I am most active and require the most light. Do not assume that because it is cooler, I need less sun; the opposite is true. Understand that my watering needs are intrinsically tied to my light exposure and seasonal cycle. Water me only when the soil is completely dry *and* when my leaves show slight signs of wrinkling or concavity on top, and only during my growth periods in autumn and spring. Never water me when I am splitting or dormant in the high-heat of summer.
